Dancing with Jesus

Today is the one year anniversary of my mom's passing away. I like to call it her "birthday to heaven". She is whole and happy. She is dancing with Jesus, praising the Lord eternally. I miss her more every day, not less. Knowing she is with God helps a little but doesn't fill the whole left in my heart since she left. I love her forever whether we are together on earth or not.

My dad came up yesterday to be with me for today, which was helpful. He even brought gifts, her purse and wallet, and also her personal Bible. I was overjoyed to receive those priceless gifts!

Today my dad and I decided to celebrate her life, and her birthday to heaven. We went to a lake that she liked, and tossed flowers into the water, and released a balloon into the air over the lake. I wrote her a letter, and attached it to the balloon. We watched it fly for several minutes until it was completely out of view. It was actually a beautiful tribute to her life and we  had tears in our eyes. We started talking about her life, and her 3 month illness. There were many good memories, many times of laughter and lots of tears during that illness. Memories that will stay with me forever! Then we ate her favorite candy, York peppermint patties.

I am sad today, but I am sad every day that I don't have her here with me. But I also have the blessed assurance that I will be reunited with her someday, and will live forever in heaven with her. I look forward to that so much, but until then I must live my life in a way that would please her and make her proud. I live every day leaning on my Jesus, living for Him. I try to be a good mom, and daughter to my dad. She would love that!

I know she is dancing with Jesus, running free and spending time with her own mom, happy and waiting for my arrival. I love her so very much, always and forever.

Almost a Year Now

Well, it's been one of those years. On Monday, it will be one year since my mom was "birthed to Paradise" and took her journey to heaven. It's been a long, hard year. There have been many tears, and lots of empty sadness in my heart. I will never be the same, even when the wound heals there will be a hole forever in my heart. When I get to heaven and reunite with my sweet Mommy, then I will be whole again. I will have all of my loved ones with me and we'll celebrate our Lord together forever. Until then, I miss her with a depth of sadness that cannot be put into words.

One year ago today I went down to see her one last time. On the 5th they told my dad she would die on that day. On the 6th she was still hanging on, so we took a drive to try to see her. I got to hold her hand, kiss her and talk in her ear even though she could not respond. She was sleeping in a very deep sleep, getting ready to meet her Lord and Savior. We had to leave the following afternoon to get home and be with my autistic son, so I didn't have much time. I slept for maybe 1 1/2 hours by her side then stayed up the rest of the time, watching her and speaking softly to her. I guess it was not the Lord's will for me to be with her when her time came, because she hung on while I was there and after. The following morning I called to check on her, and was on the phone when she took her last breath on the 8th of November. It's still hard to think about. I'm still trying to sort through my feelings. I'm still missing a piece of my heart. My dad is coming tomorrow to be with me through Monday for the one-year anniversary of her birth to heaven.

The kids have been great as well. My aunt has become my confidante. I have lots of family and friends who have prayed for me. I know because I feel them. I know because I feel His arms around me all the time.

Valentine's Day in Heaven

This Valentine's Day is my mom's first one in heaven. I know it is the most ♥Love♥ She has ever felt, and she felt a lot of love on this earth from me, her only daughter. Not to mention the love from my dad, her husband of 42 years. And my brother, her sisters and brothers and everyone else who ever knew her. She is and was very loved. Not only was she loved, she loved too. She showed love to everyone she knew, not only saying I love you, but showing it in her actions. She taught me what unconditional love really is. I miss her as much today as any other day, but I know that in heaven she is the happiest she's ever been. There are no tears, no sadness, no pain, no fear, no sickness. Only Love, the best love of all, God's love. I can see her now, at the throne dancing for Jesus. Full of love and joy. She knows nothing of my current pain or sadness, which is good because it would hurt her to know how I am feeling since she went. I feel her with me, the little whispers in the dark "I love you, Pooh" and I never want to forget her voice, her touch, although not physically I do feel her. I am a part of her, and therefore she is always with me. Her life not only touched mine, but I would not be here without her. I miss her so and KNOW that she is happy and perfect in heaven with Jesus. I love her, forever.

Christmas with Jesus

A friend of mine (http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=5202119) shared this with me and I had to post it. It made me cry, missing my mom so much, but knowing that SHE is having the best Christmas ever!!!!!!


I see the countless Christmas trees
Around the world below,
With tiny lights like heaven's stars
Reflecting in the snow.

The sight is so spectacular
please wipe away that tear
for I am spending CHRISTMAS
WITH JESUS CHRIST this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs
that people hold so dear
but the sound of music can't compare
with the CHRISTMAS CHOIR up here.

I have no words to tell you
of the JOY their voices bring
for it is beyond description
to HEAR THE ANGELS SING.

I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart
for I am spending CHRISTMAS
WITH JESUS CHRIST this year.

I can't tell you of the SPLENDOR
or the PEACE here in this place
Can you just imagine CHRISTMAS
WITH OUR SAVIOR face to face

I'll ask him to lift your spirit
as I tell him of your love
so then PRAY FOR ONE ANOTHER
as you lift your eyes above.

Please let your hearts be joyful
and let your spirit sing
for I am spending CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN
and I’m walking WITH THE KING.

SNOWMEN

I'm on a snowman kick right now, making all kinds of them, stuffed ones, flat ones, ornaments, pins... and just figured out why. I've always loved them, but this year more than usual. Now I remember, I gave one to my mom for our Christmas in October (she wanted Christmas before she went on to heaven)... and she held onto it all day every single day (it was a stuffed one, ornament, that says "MOST LOVED MOM). She was holding it even still when she took her journey to heaven. That's why I'm on a huge snowman kick. I am having SO much fun making them, and I feel closer to her when I am making them. I don't have a lot of PEACE right now, so the moments of peace that I feel, I cling to. So more snowmen it will be!!

News On Mom

I had a wonderful visit with my mom last weekend. My two aunts were there, and Matt and I went down to see mom and dad too. The first day we just visited with Mom when she was awake, and shopped with my aunts while Mom slept. We had dinner at their house, we had a pork roast and veggies and then a cheesecake for dessert.

First I gave her a hair a trim, because she wanted one. Then we fixed it some, and she needed a nap. My aunts and I went to Clearwater Beach. It was a really nice time together and we all swam a bit in the water. Then onto McDonalds for a snack. We had plans to eat at Carrabbas for dinner, so we didn't want to spoil our appetites.


Mom was awake when we got home from dinner, and she stayed awake for a long time. We watched some episodes of "Friends" because Mom loves to watch that show. They have the series on DVD. We all had some more cheesecake, too. Mom was cracking jokes and being cute. She sort of acts like a kid, she is entertained easily and laughs a lot.


The next day my aunts were going to the airport to go home. We said goodbye, which wasn't fun.  I stayed with Mom while Dad took the aunts to the airport.  Mom and I were alone so we had some nice time by ourselves. That was the best hour and a half with her in awhile! We talked a little, then she was tired, so I said go ahead and nap. She wanted me to nap with her, so she moved over and I layed down. Then she covered me up with the sheet and smiled. It was a very precious time with her. Once she startled, looked over and said "oh I was just making sure you're still here." I said, I am here and I put my arm around her so she'd know I was there. We stayed that way for some time. It made me feel at peace, loved by my mom and I knew she felt my love for her too. I still feel that now, almost a week later.

She is progressively going downhill. First, she had trouble talking. Then, she started being confused a lot. She is very confused still and gets things mixed up. Now, she cannot feed herself unless it's finger food and even then needs a bit of help. Dad is taking good care of her. He gives her sponge baths now because she can't get into the bathroom anymore since she can't walk at all or even stand.

This is extremely heartbreaking, and the waiting for someone to die is just awful. I love her with so much love, that it cannot be expressed in words. Only with tears now. And sometimes tears with laughter. I miss her already, because we can't have deep talks like we used to. But I'm thankful that still I can hear her sweet voice whenever I want to or need to. When I'm there I can still wrap my arms around her and kiss her over and over as much as I want. I can tell her I love her and she says "I love you too, Pumpkin Pooh." Which is what she always calls me. It's been my special nickname from her all of my life. These moments are wonderful, and precious, and yet heartbreaking.

Gift Painting of My Mom & I

Yesterday I received such a wonderful gift in the mail. My friend Kathy of Tapestry316 on Etsy sent me a painting that she made of my mom and I. She saw the picture of us together and decided to paint it and send it to me for a gift. I was incredibly touched by the thought! And the painting came out so wonderfully. Kathy is truly a talented artist and a delightful person. That she took the time to paint a picture of my mom and I shows the caring nature of Kathy.

I love this painting so much and I'm going to find a beautiful frame for it this week. I can't wait to find a great spot to hang it so I can enjoy it every day. Also, next time I go to see my mom, I'll bring it with me and show her too. She will love it, I am sure!

Speaking of my mom, she is doing alright. The Hospice doctor was there to see her the other day and prescribed a stronger medicine to help with her pain, and it will last twelve hours instead of six. What a wonderful blessing for all of us. It is so hard to see her in such pain. It seems unfair that someone so sweet and kind should have to suffer so. Her attitude remains amazingly positive throughout all of the pain.

I love her more than ever. I call her a couple times a day to check on her when I'm not with her just to hear her voice. It's not easy being so far away from her, and I look forward to each visit. We try to get down there every couple of weeks.

Last time I was there, she did great. The first day she stayed awake for more than six hours straight. She was enjoying the company and we even took her to the beach for sunset. My brother flew in from Michigan, and I was there with my husband and Natassia & Dalton. She enjoyed seeing a couple of her grandkids, too. We had a little "spa time" where I gave her a facial and did some makeup... and took care of a few other needs she had. I love this one on one time with her, just the two of us. She appreciates the attention and my doing the things that she cannot do anymore.

She is the most amazing, strong, wonderful woman I've ever known. I can't wait to see her again in a week or two!

Another update on my mom

I had the opportunity to go and visit my mom Friday night through Saturday evening. I would not have been able to afford the trip if not for the generosity of my Etsy friends (see previous post!) I am so thankful to everyone who gave from the heart and their pockets in the fundraiser that one Etsy friend started on my behalf!

Many times there are people visiting from out of state, and I have to share my mom. This trip, no one was there except me, my husband and two of our kids. My dad took the kids and my husband out a few times to give me time with my mom, all alone. It was so nice to visit with her and sleep next to her on the couch as she was in her "daybed" (we call her hospital bed a daybed, it sounds cuter! LOL)

The first night I was there we met at the beach, my mom and I sat on a bench to talk alone while the guys walked the beach. I gave her a gift, something my friend http://www.wordzoflife.etsy.com made for her, a heart-shaped Snippet (check out her shop for some) that says Jesus on it. She loves it SO much!

Yesterday while we were alone, I took care of some of her needs. We had a "spa day" and I cut and painted her toenails, styled her hair and applied her makeup. She was looking quite lovely and said she felt so much better. Guys don't think of doing these things, so my dad doesn't do them. She tries to do her hair and makeup herself but gets tired out. I was happy to do it for her and spend time close by her. She had to nap in between each session, and I would nap nearby her. This photo on the top of my post was taken after our spa time, and she looks quite refreshed. It's my favorite picture that I got this weekend.

God is good to give us more time together. We don't know how long it will be, a day, weeks, months? But I have her here now, and I will visit her as much as possible. I'll tell her all the things in my heart and show her my love every time I see her. I kiss her and hug her several times an hour. We should always be showing our love to people in the family, as if it could be OUR last day. No one knows how long they have. I could die before she does, one just never knows.

Every time I have to leave her and drive over 3 hours to come home, I cry like a baby. I never know if that was the last goodbye in person that I'll have. But I love her more than I could ever express in words. She is the best Mom a girl could have ever asked for. God gave her to me, and I'm thankful.