Grief

"Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief." Psalm 31:8-10

I read this Psalm yesterday, and this line fits how I've been feeling with the loss of my mom. Enough said.

Healing

It's been almost two weeks since my wonderful mommy went to heaven. I've been having weird days. I live moment to moment. Always I feel thankful that she's my mom, she made me who I am. I have learned from her how to smile through pain, physical and emotional. She always smiles. I still talk of her in the present tense because her spirit lives even though her body does not. I would rather have loved her and been a part of her life and have this pain now than to never have loved her at all. I just miss her. I always will, every moment of every day, for the rest of my life.

When I'm not working, I'm crocheting. It's very healing and makes me feel closer to her.. since she taught me how. My heart is broken into a zillion pieces, and even when it feels more healed, there will forever be the scars. There is a Christian song out that is my theme song right now, by Tenth Avenue North. Hold My Heart. I have heard it a lot lately and love it. I was crying tonight when it was on. Not totally bad tears, sort of sad and good at the same time. Weird. Today I've been very weepy, little things make me cry. Then I feel joy, then I feel sadness again. I have been wearing a long black sweater that she had, and I feel SO close to her when I wear it. It's snuggly like a hug from her.

This is sort of a rambling post, but that's what I do lately. Life doesn't totally make sense. I miss her so much. I'm thankful for the kids, my dad , family and my friends. I look forward to the holidays, she would want me to enjoy them as much as possible even through the pain. She loves the holidays. She loves me, forever. Thanks for all the prayers that have been said the last several months. I will always remember the support I've received from my friends. Love you all.

News On Mom

I had a wonderful visit with my mom last weekend. My two aunts were there, and Matt and I went down to see mom and dad too. The first day we just visited with Mom when she was awake, and shopped with my aunts while Mom slept. We had dinner at their house, we had a pork roast and veggies and then a cheesecake for dessert.

First I gave her a hair a trim, because she wanted one. Then we fixed it some, and she needed a nap. My aunts and I went to Clearwater Beach. It was a really nice time together and we all swam a bit in the water. Then onto McDonalds for a snack. We had plans to eat at Carrabbas for dinner, so we didn't want to spoil our appetites.


Mom was awake when we got home from dinner, and she stayed awake for a long time. We watched some episodes of "Friends" because Mom loves to watch that show. They have the series on DVD. We all had some more cheesecake, too. Mom was cracking jokes and being cute. She sort of acts like a kid, she is entertained easily and laughs a lot.


The next day my aunts were going to the airport to go home. We said goodbye, which wasn't fun.  I stayed with Mom while Dad took the aunts to the airport.  Mom and I were alone so we had some nice time by ourselves. That was the best hour and a half with her in awhile! We talked a little, then she was tired, so I said go ahead and nap. She wanted me to nap with her, so she moved over and I layed down. Then she covered me up with the sheet and smiled. It was a very precious time with her. Once she startled, looked over and said "oh I was just making sure you're still here." I said, I am here and I put my arm around her so she'd know I was there. We stayed that way for some time. It made me feel at peace, loved by my mom and I knew she felt my love for her too. I still feel that now, almost a week later.

She is progressively going downhill. First, she had trouble talking. Then, she started being confused a lot. She is very confused still and gets things mixed up. Now, she cannot feed herself unless it's finger food and even then needs a bit of help. Dad is taking good care of her. He gives her sponge baths now because she can't get into the bathroom anymore since she can't walk at all or even stand.

This is extremely heartbreaking, and the waiting for someone to die is just awful. I love her with so much love, that it cannot be expressed in words. Only with tears now. And sometimes tears with laughter. I miss her already, because we can't have deep talks like we used to. But I'm thankful that still I can hear her sweet voice whenever I want to or need to. When I'm there I can still wrap my arms around her and kiss her over and over as much as I want. I can tell her I love her and she says "I love you too, Pumpkin Pooh." Which is what she always calls me. It's been my special nickname from her all of my life. These moments are wonderful, and precious, and yet heartbreaking.

New Update on My Mom

The last couple of days have been hard for me. I've been feeling utterly sad.

Gift Painting of My Mom & I

Yesterday I received such a wonderful gift in the mail. My friend Kathy of Tapestry316 on Etsy sent me a painting that she made of my mom and I. She saw the picture of us together and decided to paint it and send it to me for a gift. I was incredibly touched by the thought! And the painting came out so wonderfully. Kathy is truly a talented artist and a delightful person. That she took the time to paint a picture of my mom and I shows the caring nature of Kathy.

I love this painting so much and I'm going to find a beautiful frame for it this week. I can't wait to find a great spot to hang it so I can enjoy it every day. Also, next time I go to see my mom, I'll bring it with me and show her too. She will love it, I am sure!

Speaking of my mom, she is doing alright. The Hospice doctor was there to see her the other day and prescribed a stronger medicine to help with her pain, and it will last twelve hours instead of six. What a wonderful blessing for all of us. It is so hard to see her in such pain. It seems unfair that someone so sweet and kind should have to suffer so. Her attitude remains amazingly positive throughout all of the pain.

I love her more than ever. I call her a couple times a day to check on her when I'm not with her just to hear her voice. It's not easy being so far away from her, and I look forward to each visit. We try to get down there every couple of weeks.

Last time I was there, she did great. The first day she stayed awake for more than six hours straight. She was enjoying the company and we even took her to the beach for sunset. My brother flew in from Michigan, and I was there with my husband and Natassia & Dalton. She enjoyed seeing a couple of her grandkids, too. We had a little "spa time" where I gave her a facial and did some makeup... and took care of a few other needs she had. I love this one on one time with her, just the two of us. She appreciates the attention and my doing the things that she cannot do anymore.

She is the most amazing, strong, wonderful woman I've ever known. I can't wait to see her again in a week or two!

I received my prize!

I won a blog contest from Storybook Stitches last week, and I was so excited. I entered the contest on her blog. I received my prize in the mail yesterday and it is just awesome. I won a neck/shoulder therapy wrap and slipper inserts. She also included a free eye mask. She makes things so well, everything is just wonderful. I know the set will help with my neck and shoulder pain a lot. I love that the covers are removable so I can wash them as needed! Thanks so much Sharrie, you're so generous!

I won a blog contest!

I blogged yesterday about a blog contest I had entered at my friend Sharrie's blog. Today I got an email saying that I have WON! I'm sooo excited, I can hardly stand it. I really could use this heat therapy set for my neck and shoulder that have had problems for a while now due to an old injury. It's so cool that I won something that I really NEED. I was thinking if I didn't win I'd have to try to buy one in the near future. It's always fun to win contests, but even more so when it's something a person really needs and can use a lot. I want to thank Sharrie of StorybookStitches for having this awesome contest and for being just a really sweet person. It's been fun getting to know Sharrie on CAST and on facebook. Thank you Sharrie!!