SNOWMEN

I'm on a snowman kick right now, making all kinds of them, stuffed ones, flat ones, ornaments, pins... and just figured out why. I've always loved them, but this year more than usual. Now I remember, I gave one to my mom for our Christmas in October (she wanted Christmas before she went on to heaven)... and she held onto it all day every single day (it was a stuffed one, ornament, that says "MOST LOVED MOM). She was holding it even still when she took her journey to heaven. That's why I'm on a huge snowman kick. I am having SO much fun making them, and I feel closer to her when I am making them. I don't have a lot of PEACE right now, so the moments of peace that I feel, I cling to. So more snowmen it will be!!

CYBER MONDAY SALE

It's CYBER MONDAY and I'm having a HUGE sale in my Etsy shop! All prices are reduced to 50% off, plus every customer receives a FREE gift today only! Don't pass up the deals. Baby items, adult winter wear and more! Here's the link to My Shop.

Thanksgiving

I am giving thanks today, for one reason in particular. Most people are thankful for time with family today, and I am too. But the thing on my mind that I'm thankful for today is ~ my mom. No, she is not physically here with me, but I am thankful for her. I am so blessed to have been raised by a wonderful woman like my mom. She loves my dad and always did, so very much. She loved my brother and I as children with a great motherly love. She did many things for me over the years. The best thing she ever did for me was to love me unconditionally. I could always count on her. I could tell her ANYTHING, and know that she would still love me. As an adult she was my best friend and supported me so very much. She was my rock when I left an abusive ex. She supported me when I met Matt and dated him. She celebrated with me when I married Matt. No matter what I needed, she could give it to me. I miss her physical presence, but I know that her love goes with me every single day. I feel her in my heart. I love her FOREVER.

I'm thankful for Matt, who became my best friend when we dated. Without him, I could not have handled the last few weeks since my mom went on to heaven. He is the best husband and friend a woman could ever even hope for. There are no words to express my love for him. I praise God for him every day.

Grief

"Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief." Psalm 31:8-10

I read this Psalm yesterday, and this line fits how I've been feeling with the loss of my mom. Enough said.

Healing

It's been almost two weeks since my wonderful mommy went to heaven. I've been having weird days. I live moment to moment. Always I feel thankful that she's my mom, she made me who I am. I have learned from her how to smile through pain, physical and emotional. She always smiles. I still talk of her in the present tense because her spirit lives even though her body does not. I would rather have loved her and been a part of her life and have this pain now than to never have loved her at all. I just miss her. I always will, every moment of every day, for the rest of my life.

When I'm not working, I'm crocheting. It's very healing and makes me feel closer to her.. since she taught me how. My heart is broken into a zillion pieces, and even when it feels more healed, there will forever be the scars. There is a Christian song out that is my theme song right now, by Tenth Avenue North. Hold My Heart. I have heard it a lot lately and love it. I was crying tonight when it was on. Not totally bad tears, sort of sad and good at the same time. Weird. Today I've been very weepy, little things make me cry. Then I feel joy, then I feel sadness again. I have been wearing a long black sweater that she had, and I feel SO close to her when I wear it. It's snuggly like a hug from her.

This is sort of a rambling post, but that's what I do lately. Life doesn't totally make sense. I miss her so much. I'm glad I have Matt who keeps me grounded. I'm thankful for the kids, my inlaws, and my friends. I look forward to the holidays, she would want me to enjoy them as much as possible even through the pain. She loves the holidays. She loves me, forever. Thanks for all the prayers that have been said the last several months. I will always remember the support I've received from my friends. Love you all.

Betty+Van+Calbergh+Obituary%3A+Betty+Van+Calbergh%E2%80%99s+Obituary+by+the+St.+Petersburg+Times.

Betty+Van+Calbergh+Obituary%3A+Betty+Van+Calbergh%E2%80%99s+Obituary+by+the+St.+Petersburg+Times.

My mom's obituary in the paper.

News On Mom

I had a wonderful visit with my mom last weekend. My two aunts were there, and Matt and I went down to see mom and dad too. The first day we just visited with Mom when she was awake, and shopped with my aunts while Mom slept. We had dinner at their house, Matt made a pork roast and veggies and then a cheesecake for dessert. He's such a great guy!

First I gave her a hair a trim, because she wanted one. Then we fixed it some, and she needed a nap. My aunts, Matt and I went to Clearwater Beach. It was a really nice time together and we all swam a bit in the water. Then onto McDonalds for a snack. We had plans to eat at Carrabbas for dinner, so we didn't want to spoil our appetites.

Mom was awake when we got home from dinner, and she stayed awake for a long time. We watched some episodes of "Friends" because Mom loves to watch that show. They have the series on DVD. We all had some more cheesecake, too. Mom was cracking jokes and being cute. She sort of acts like a kid, she is entertained easily and laughs a lot.

The next day my aunts were going to the airport to go home. We said goodbye, which wasn't fun. Matt and I stayed with Mom while Dad took the aunts to the airport. He left Mom and I alone so we could have some time by ourselves. That was the best hour and a half with her in awhile! We talked a little, then she was tired, so I said go ahead and nap. She wanted me to nap with her, so she moved over and I layed down. Then she covered me up with the sheet and smiled. It was a very precious time with her. Once she startled, looked over and said "oh I was just making sure you're still here." I said, I am here and I put my arm around her so she'd know I was there. We stayed that way for some time. It made me feel at peace, loved by my mom and I knew she felt my love for her too. I still feel that now, almost a week later.

She is progressively going downhill. First, she had trouble talking. Then, she started being confused a lot. She is very confused still and gets things mixed up. Now, she cannot feed herself unless it's finger food and even then needs a bit of help. Dad is taking good care of her. He gives her sponge baths now because she can't get into the bathroom anymore since she can't walk at all or even stand.

This is extremely heartbreaking, and the waiting for someone to die is just awful. I love her with so much love, that it cannot be expressed in words. Only with tears now. And sometimes tears with laughter. I miss her already, because we can't have deep talks like we used to. But I'm thankful that still I can hear her sweet voice whenever I want to or need to. When I'm there I can still wrap my arms around her and kiss her over and over as much as I want. I can tell her I love her and she says "I love you too, Pumpkin Pooh." Which is what she always calls me. It's been my special nickname from her all of my life. These moments are wonderful, and precious, and yet heartbreaking.