Friday, November 20, 2009


It's been almost two weeks since my wonderful mommy went to heaven. I've been having weird days. I live moment to moment. Always I feel thankful that she's my mom, she made me who I am. I have learned from her how to smile through pain, physical and emotional. She always smiles. I still talk of her in the present tense because her spirit lives even though her body does not. I would rather have loved her and been a part of her life and have this pain now than to never have loved her at all. I just miss her. I always will, every moment of every day, for the rest of my life.

When I'm not working, I'm crocheting. It's very healing and makes me feel closer to her.. since she taught me how. My heart is broken into a zillion pieces, and even when it feels more healed, there will forever be the scars. There is a Christian song out that is my theme song right now, by Tenth Avenue North. Hold My Heart. I have heard it a lot lately and love it. I was crying tonight when it was on. Not totally bad tears, sort of sad and good at the same time. Weird. Today I've been very weepy, little things make me cry. Then I feel joy, then I feel sadness again. I have been wearing a long black sweater that she had, and I feel SO close to her when I wear it. It's snuggly like a hug from her.

This is sort of a rambling post, but that's what I do lately. Life doesn't totally make sense. I miss her so much. I'm thankful for the kids, my dad , family and my friends. I look forward to the holidays, she would want me to enjoy them as much as possible even through the pain. She loves the holidays. She loves me, forever. Thanks for all the prayers that have been said the last several months. I will always remember the support I've received from my friends. Love you all.


Anonymous said...

It's so wonderful to be able to feel from your post the love you had for your Mom and she for you. I pray that the Lord continues to hold your heart and heal every's a takes time and He will be there every step of the way. (((HUGS)))

PS...ramble away.

cory - falling star lane said...

You are doing wonderfully - i know it doesn't feel like it most of the time, but you have a very healthy approach to your grief - encourage all of your kids to follow your lead!! it will make the very biggest difference you can imagine.
There is no wrong way to grieve - but there are better ways. You obviously have a very firm supporte system in your husband, i am so glad for you!!

all those pieces? they will come back together. They won't be the same, they will be a 'new' whole, and that is good. Did you know that when a bone breaks, and mends, it is forever stronger where it has healed? That is you, right now - getting stronger than you will believe.
Be blessed, and know you are loved.

Penrose Designs said...

Thank you for sharing your heart! I know God has His arms around you and is giving you the comfort you need. I'm so glad that you will see your mom again soon and that this isn't an ending, just a momentary pause until you join her.


MYSAVIOR said...

Anastasia - you have renewed my heart because I was wondering about mother/daughter love before I met you. You are so blessed to have had that kind of adoring love from your mom. I have been able to tell my daughter that I love her, honestly because of you and your mom. I remember a time when Jenifer and I were so close and we seem to have drifted apart but we are coming back to that 'love' place again. The Lord put you and your mom in my life for that reason, I know.
I love every word you have to say, rambling or not!!
I know that your mom is so happy with Jesus.

LoriDelisle said...

I love that you said "She always smiles." It is a great thing to know and understand that she still 'is' not 'was,' especially when the pain of her physical absence is so real. I can't imagine the ache of missing my Mom. Have a sweet Thanksgiving and Christmas, stirring up the joyful memories and knowing that because of Christmas, you will be with her again one day celebrating together.

Charsbeads4u said...

Dear Anastasia, I know you love your mommy and she loves you more than you could ever imagine...but there will come a time when you shall see her face again, on that glorious day when we behold our Saviour and King! One that day, your sweet mommy's face is the first you will look for, and I'm sure she'll be looking for your smiling face!
I'll be looking for my mommy too, right along with ya hon! I can't wait for that Glorius Day!!!!
Until then, I'm holding you close in my prayers, my sweet Anastasia, my TWIN!

♥WORDZ OF LIFE♥ said...

Anastasia, I love when you write your heart. It is a look at honest transparency and it is necessary for healing to take place.

Love you so much...I know you know that. Ramble on, sweet girl. It's all healing, cleansing, helpful and healthy!

Kathleen said...

Anastasia - you are a treasure! Thank you so much for sharing =) In time, God will turn your scars into stars and then one day someone will turn to you and say 'my mommy is dying' and you will reach out to them in a healing way that will touch their life forever.
Blessings to you, dearest Anastasia! (((hugs and prayers)))

Graceful Moments said...

What a sweet heart you have. I didn't know your mom but I know she was a lovely person because she raised you and you are a generous and loving person. Thank you for sharing your journey through your grief. I know from experience that it helps to talk about it and a blog is a perfect outlet for it. So thankful that you are planning to celebrate the holidays. Continuing to keep you close in prayer.